Hammer homicide

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You b*stard!”
The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You b*stard!”
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that b*stard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

Last note from Fred

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.

The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died.
He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note, and read, “Assh*le, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

Bedroom footie

A man & wife are in bed.

He farts & shouts ”Goal.”

His wife farts & shouts ”One all.”
When the score gets to two all, the man strains so hard he craps the bed.
His wife says ”What the hell was that?”
”Half time - swap sides.”

Two Blondes with hammers

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.
Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you throwing those nails away?’
Carol explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.’
Donna got completely upset and yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’

Dancer

A lady at the far end of the bar waves her arm in the air to get the attention of the waiter and by doing that, exposes her hairy armpit. Down the other end of the bar is a very drunk man who says “Hey, get the ballerina a drink would you.”
“How do you know she’s a ballerina?”
“Well, no one else would get their leg up that high.

Little Girl Walking Home From School

Little Girl Walking Home From School. A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said “If you get in, I’ll give you a lollypop.” The girl kept walking.
Following along slowly, the man said “Come on and get in the car with me and I’ll give you two lolly pops.”
She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.
The man said “Get in with me and I’ll give you this whole bag of lollypops!”

Finally, the girl turned and said “Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!”

My hearing

A priest is giving his Sunday sermon and asks the congregation is anyone needs help they should come to him now as the lord has granted him powers to offer help.

A man sheepishly stands up and walks to the pulpit.
“Yes my son and what is it you require help with?” the priest asks.
“My hearing” replies the man quietly.
“Well that’s Ok my son come to me” said the priest, and the priest calmly sticks one finger in the mans ear and his other hand palm down on the top of his head. He then asks the congregation to pray and the lord for guidance and holds the man for 5 minutes whilst he mutters prayer in Latin.
When he is finished he turns to the man and says “well son has that helped your hearing at all?”
The man replies “I don’t know father, it’s not until Wednesday”

The First Day of School

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher
The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers .
The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she guessed.;
“No,” the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, “Champagne?”
“No,” said the little boy…
“I give up,” she said. “What is it?”
The boy replied, “It’s a puppy!