One cent?

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied:"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Little Zachary

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything.. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything.

They could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first Day, little Zachary came home with a very Serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and Started studying. Books and papers were spread Out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for sometime, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.

He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

'Well, then,' she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? 'WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

Priest and Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

BP

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank.

After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered, BP

Schwartz is dead!

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home, "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead!"

Not this time!

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

Playing golf!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Female brain cell

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............
"We're down here ..."

Redhead!

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor."Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," said the doctor. "Your finger is broken."

A Bulldogs fan!

A high school teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a bulldogs fan.

She asks her students to raise their hand if they are Bulldogs fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Roosters fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears, "Mary, why are you a Roosters fan?"
"Because my mum & dad are from Bondi, & my mum is a Roosters fan, And my dad is a Roosters fan, so I'm a Roosters fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone," that's no reason for you to be a Roosters fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, And your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, I'd be a Bulldogs fan." he he...

Clapping..

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

Cattle ranch

Two men, an American and an Australian, met in a bar and began a conversation.
"I have a cattle station at the top end of Australia," said the Aussie. "It's 5000 square miles, got 10,000 head of cattle. It's called the Lazy J.

"Well," replied the American. I've a cattle ranch in the southern states. It's big – 30,000 square miles."

"What's it called?" asked the Australian.

"ABC Mississippi Missouri XYZ"

"And how many cattle do have?"

"None," was the answer. "They didn't survive the branding.

The barber

A man walks into a hairdresser's shop and after working on his hair for a while the barber asks him "Do you want it cut round the back, sir?

"The customer replies "Why, is there no room in the shop to do it now?

Smart man

A lebanese man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Lebanon on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan.
The lebanese man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Lebanese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Lebanese returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000"
The lebanese replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Little Tony

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?

"She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse, darling.

"Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"

Dear God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.

Only a cheque

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all ofhis money, and was a real misery when it came to his money.Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want youto take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take mymoney to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there inblack, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it inthe casket.Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go backon my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in thatcasket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket withhim!!!!?"
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Aussie Friends VS Wog Friends

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
WOG FRIENDS: Move out when they're 28, having saved for that nice house and are a week away from getting married...unless there's room for the newlyweds at home.
AUSSIE FRIENDS: When their mum visits them she brings a nice bunt cake and you sip coffee and chat.
WOG FRIENDS: When their mum visits them she brings 3 days worth of food and begins to immediately tidy up, dust, do the laundry or rearrange the furniture.
AUSSIE FRIENDS: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them and it's usually only on special occasions.
WOG FRIENDS: Are not at all fazed when their dads come over, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00am and start pruning the trees with a chainsaw or renovating the garage.
AUSSIE FRIENDS: You can leave your kids with them and you always worry if everything is going to be ok plus you have to feed them after you pick them up.
WOG FRIENDS: No problem, leave the kids there and if they get out of line the WOG friend can set them straight...plus they get fed.
AUSSIE FRIENDS: Always pay retail and look in the yellow pages when they need something done.
WOG FRIENDS: Just call their dad or uncle and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done...cash deal, U know what I mean.
AUSSIE FRIENDS: Will come over for cake and coffee and expect cake and coffee, no more.
WOG FRIENDS: Will come over for cake and coffee and expect an antipasto, a few bottles of wine, a pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, potatoes, a nice dessert cake, fruit, coffee and a few after dinner drinks...
AUSSIE FRIENDS: Think that being a wog is a great thing.
WOG FRIENDS: KNOW that being a wog is a great thing.
AUSSIE FRIENDS: Never ask for food
WOG FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
AUSSIE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
WOG FRIENDS: Call your parents mum and dad.
AUSSIE FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
WOG FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

AUSSIE FRIENDS: Are for a while.
WOG FRIENDS: Are for life.
AUSSIE FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
WOG FRIENDS: Will share this with other wog friends.

walking the dog

A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat."

What does that mean?" asked the child."

Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heatand to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's Backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog On the leash.S

urprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block so another dog is pushing her home."

Women are so much smarter than men

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one night he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die and I'll inherit 200 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

A Lebanese guy

Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a new chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 3000 candidates are all assembled in a large room.

One of the candidates is Fadi Khoury, a Lebanese guy.

Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know JAVA program language rise and leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room.

Fadi Khoury says to himself: "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try".

So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asks all the candidates who do not have excellent management diplomas to rise and leave.

500 people rise and leave the room.

Fadi Khoury says to himself: "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay?

So he stays.

Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to rise and leave.

498 people rise and leave the room.

Fadi Khoury says himself: "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the Hell! Have I got anything to lose?".

So he stays, and finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language!"

Calmly, Fadi turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Keifak ya jahish"...

The other candidate answers: "Mnih ya hemar......"

Maybe the best blonde joke

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the Hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, Then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Rude customers

For all Employees Who Work With Rude Customers. An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service."

Marriage & Relationships

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
**
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
**
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
**
Stress Reliever
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden." Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
**
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
**
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
**
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
**
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
**
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

Catholic and Baptists

Adrian lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Adrian went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Adrian said, "I'll go right away, Father, Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

**

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.I'm having a real good time like I am."

**

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,and I wanted to stay with you guys."

**

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash basketsas we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

**

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,"Because people are sleeping."

**

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, 5 and 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson."

If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

**

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shorewhere a seagull lay dead in the sand."

Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked."

He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

**

Q and A

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for thefuture?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
**
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
**
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
**
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll oftoilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
**
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.