Medical examination

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No!  Leave your knickers on ... Just stick out your tongue!"

Coffee and Testicles

A guy goes into Australia Post to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonuspoints.   Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

True Love

I told her : "I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you."
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... : "If you love me, introduce me to John..."

Dance competition

I was so drunk last night at the bar,
when I walked across the dance floor
to get another drink
I won the dance competition…

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER AND A MALE BEER DRINKER:

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.
Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month.                                  

In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.
Man: So where's your f*ckin' Ferrari?

GETTING FLOWERS

 Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

 The redhead sighs and says:

"Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

 The blonde looks quizzically at her and says:

"You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

 The redhead replies:

"I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me

flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my

back with my legs in the air."

 The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"

Sex Life

DOCTOR: How is your Sex Life?
MAN: As usual, Monday to Friday.
DOCTOR: What about the weekends?
MAN: Weekends? I am at Home, relaxing with my Wife...!

Clocks in Heaven‏

A man died and went to Heaven.  As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.  He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.  Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.  Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter.  'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man.  'and whose clock is that one?'

St Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Julia Gillard's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office.  He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

 

Advice for an old guy

 I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young girl walking in ..

I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that young lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said, "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

Catholic Parrots....

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

NEVER UNDER-ESTIMATE THE PERSON SEATED NEXT TO YOU

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology,
and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked ! at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ears: "I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

THE POLISH DIVORCE

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

 Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don’t think you understand.Does either of you have a real grudge?

 No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations still in  Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

 We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

 No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

 She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me.She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.I can read English pretty good, and it say:

The professor...

 It was a practical session in the psychology class.
The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage. Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on side and kept a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it. Then, the professor changed the cake and kept some bread. The male rat ran towards the bread. This experiment went... on with the professor changing the food every time. And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction. Then, one of the students from the back rows said:-
"Sir, why don't you change the female rat? She may be his wife!!

Typical Lebanese!

 Elias grew up in Beirut, then moved away to attend college and law in Oxford University.

He decided to come back to Beirut, because he could not be a big man in Oxford.

He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door Mr. Elias picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all while talking "No. Absolutely no you tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Elias rattled instructions.

Finally, Elias put down the phone and turned to the man. 'I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?'

The man replied, 'I'm from OGERO (the Lebanese Telephone Company), I've come to connect your line!!!'

loooool....;-)

 

A maintenance matter

 A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room,

"Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel". .

The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter"

The husband responded: "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"

Would You marry Again?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND:  "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND:"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND:(makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND:"Sure, it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND:"Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND:"That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: --
silence --
HUSBAND:
"shit."

Wise Leb Grandfather

Why Lebanese Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Lebanese man is dying. 
He calls his grandson to his bedside: “Youseff, I want you to listen to me carefully. I want you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver
so you will always remember me”.
"But Jedu (grandpa), I really don't like guns bro. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You listen to me, you donkey. Some day you will be running the family business. You will have a beautiful wife, lots of money, a big home and maybe a couple of kids." "Some day you come home and maybe you will find your wife in bed with another man”.
"What you goin’ do then?  Point to your watch and say, 'Times Up'? "

 

How long must this go on?

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why  does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?  This hatred? This animosity?  This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
 

Joke of the YEAR

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him  in an Australian home.
After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to  visit Grandpa. ''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.
''It's  wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'' , says grandpa. ''We're so happy for you. We were worried  that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little  different from everyone.''

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about  how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile. 

''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin  in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

There is a judge in  here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and  everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him  Doctor?!  

And me --

"I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F..... Arab".

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND

  

This is the best and most civil way to have a fight between husband and wife instead of resorting violence...

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in a zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you
AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........
Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC
No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor...
.....................................................................
"Husband is one who is the head of the family,
but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."
........................................................................
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to Hell is Free.
................................................................
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever
...........................................................................
Wife:I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.
.................................................................
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife:When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
...................................................................
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
....................................................................
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!
and life goes on........