Axe!

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also dmitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Alphabet

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

So dirty!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Me

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

H to O

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Crocodile!

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

John!

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

Maria

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

Grandma!

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

So Grandma turns on the TV, and the reception is terrible. She starts adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she starts banging at the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

Just then the little boy hears the doorbell ring, so he hurries to open the door, and there stands Grandma's church minister.

The minister says, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

UPSET WIFE

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

The wife was VERY upset!
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'
And he replied: 'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And he began:
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young Lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste..
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..'
He took a quick breath and continued:
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said:
'Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''

Ice cream truck

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old Grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, Her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear', replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong .'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.