TAKING A MAN SHOPPING AGAINST HIS WILL…

After Mr. & Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men,he found shopping boring & preferred to get in & get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store.. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9 . October 4: Looked right into the security camera & used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards, Wal-Mart

Another Blonde moment

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
"I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."
"That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"
"Just three questions" said St Peter.
"Which are?' asked the blonde.
"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' "?
The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?"
The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."
"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"
The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, "how many seconds in a year?"
The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"
"Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"
"Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."
"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"
"It's Andy."
"Andy??"
"Yes, Andy," said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"
"Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled."
And the blonde entered Heaven...

Computer!

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

Eyesight!

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.

DWARF

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.. he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

Do you know her?

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

Retiring

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr old girl.
On their first night both were crying. Why???
Because she didn't know anything and he had forgotten everything???

Fishing!

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One.'
The manager groaned and continued 'Just one? Here in Harrods, our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'
'£108,637.64', the Aussie replied.
The manager choked and exclaimed '£108,637.64? What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to Harrods car sales and I sold him a Cayenne ...'
The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?'
'No, no, no...he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said...'Well, since your weekend's stuffed, you might as well go fishing.'

VIRGIN

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die.
Wanted her tombstone to read: BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: 'RETURNED UNOPENED'

GOOD AMBITION

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Because its the only profession where u can tell a woman to
take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

SWIMSUIT

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

HAPPY MAN

What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of Cosmo.
Son on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of Playboy.
and... Wife on the cover of 'Missing Persons'

ARAB MAN

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name please?'
'Abdul Aziz'
'Sex?'
'Six times a week!!!'
'No, no, I mean male or female!'
'Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel!'

SERVICE

Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and sometimes you have to be
satisfied with self-service.

NAMES OF WIVES

A man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife.... Baby doll
3rd wife.... China doll
2nd wife.... Barbie doll
1st wife.... Panadol

I think it's God!

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth.' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph. 'please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried drive, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonne lose my licence,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and get on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the chief

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important' said the cop

The chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No I mean really important' said the cop

The chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger'

'Well,' said the chief 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!'

Barb and Rose!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for
you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her,
'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,'

insisted the Voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Your dad!

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

A wife!

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'

Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

Shall not kill!

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

Babysitter!

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .

A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a babysitter.'

Backup!

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'

He answered, 'Call for backup.'