No male!

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her hand written instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

White and black!

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

Eight people!

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

Don't shove me!

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

Redhead!

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she touched her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee with her finger and screamed;
like wise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no," she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

I am a Pakistani!

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.

He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: "Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers."

But I am not an American!" - says the man.

Oh, what are you then?" The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"

The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog".

A better cook!

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

14 million!

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"

The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !"

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

I will call back!

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf : Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that..

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

We have copies!

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:

"I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."

Slowly!

Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

A mirror!

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?

Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

911

WHY CANT SARDARS DIAL NINE-ELEVEN (911) AT EMERGENCY?

THEY CAN NOT FIND THE ELEVEN ON THE PHONE.

No match!

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.

All were busy writing except one Sardarji.

He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

Egg!

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever.
- What will come first, Chicken or egg?
- O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.

OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr old girl.
On their first night both were crying. Why???
Because she didn't know anything and he had forgotten everything???

Phone number

ON A ROMANTIC DATE SARDARS GIRL FRIEND ASKS HIM, "DARLING ON OUR ENGAGEMENT WILL U GIVE ME A RING?"

HE SAYS "YA SURE WHATS YOUR PHONE NUMBER"

Yes!

Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!

DENTIST

Woman complaining to dentist: 'It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than
have a tooth removed.'
Dentist: 'Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly.'

Sardar!

Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar - If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?

Highway 189!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.
He thinks to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bitproudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

Sweet lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:"I outlived the bitches."

Scaring the kids!

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Wedding dresses!

Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."

A teacher!

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when People are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

Dog!

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher. It's the same dog.

Good cook!

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before Eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.

Axe!

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry Tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand?

A sentence!

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right.... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Dirty!

TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Me!

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't Have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

H to O

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.