Spelling!

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Tables!

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the Floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

Sign!

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Maria!

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

I can't take that chance!

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Arthritis!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis

Twelve thirty!

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor.
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Three old guys

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Heart murmur!

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'
"The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

Getting married

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Where's my toast?

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks."
Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks."
No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment."
Where's my toast?"

Hospital

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him."
I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Your hearing is perfect

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Rose

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Have a nice day

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Upside down

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......"

Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Petrol station

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive..................
So I took her to a petrol station !!!!!!!

Funeral

A man had two great tickets for the Football Cup final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?
"He says, "well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married".
"Oh .. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?
"The man shakes his head..."Nah. They're all at the funeral".

I'm getting a fax

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Juice

A five-year-old girl was sitting with her Gran watching the tennis on the television. She asked for a drink of orange.

Her Gran said: "Wait until the set ends and they come off the court. I'll get you one then.''

Five minutes later the little girl said: "That man keeps saying juice but they won't stop for one."

Ferrari

Three little lads were on their way home from school when one of them noticed a red Ferrari parked at the side of the road.

He said: "When I'm older I'm going to get a great job and buy one of them."

The second lad said: "I am going to university to get a great education, and a great job and buy one also."

The third lad says: "I'm going to get a job like my sister."

The other two asked what she did.

"She's a prostitute."

"What's a prostitute," the other two ask.

"I dont know, but that's my sister's car."

Policeman

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

I'll break it in half!

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic school. Usually, she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping."Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear."God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret," Who is our Lord and Saviour?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt."Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted.

It is damn hot down here!

A man checked into a hotel.
There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....
somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 1 April 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.s: It is damn hot down here!!

Cornflakes!

blonde calls her boyfriend and says "please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "what is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then he turns to her & says, "first of all, no matter what we do, we're not goint to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand & says, "second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea and then...." he sighed, "let's put all the cornflakes back in the box.

I didn't recognize you!

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said,"No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live".

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Brother-in-law

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Let the poison work!

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, "his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

What's this?

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied," the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us too.
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."