On a wall in a ladies room . .. .
"My husband follows me every where"
Written just below it . .. .
" I do not"
Popular Jokes
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AUSSIE FRIENDS: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents. WOG FRIENDS: Move out when they're 28, having saved...
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THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED...
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A high school teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class th...
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blonde calls her boyfriend and says "please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to...
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75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr old girl. On their first night both were crying. Why??? Because she didn't know anything and he had...
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This is the best and most civil way to have a fight between husband and wife instead of resorting violence. .. WIFE: I wrote your ... -
HE. " can I buy you a drink? " SHE. " Actually I'd rather have the money " ** HE: I'm a photographer i've be...
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Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into...
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Homsi: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.. DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok. Homsi: Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is f...
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one...
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Why?
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied."
Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied."
Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Bra and pants
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said .. . . You wear pants don't you?
**
He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
**
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
She said .. . . You wear pants don't you?
**
He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
**
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
Marital Woes
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
**
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
**
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
**
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
**
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered
**
It is difficult to understand GOD .
He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives
**
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
**
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage
**
Man receives telegram:
Wife dead should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
**
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
**
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
**
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her.
They got married and now he is going thru hell.
**
Fact of life:
One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
**
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
**
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
**
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
**
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
**
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered
**
It is difficult to understand GOD .
He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives
**
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
**
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage
**
Man receives telegram:
Wife dead should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
**
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
**
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
**
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her.
They got married and now he is going thru hell.
**
Fact of life:
One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
**
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
Little Mary
Little Mary was not the brightest student at the local Catholic school. Usually she slept soundly during class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping."Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" the Nun asked.
When Mary didn't stir little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear."God Almighty" yelled Mary.The nun said, "Very good," and resumed teaching the class.
A little later she asked Mary - "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"Again, Mary didn't stir from slumber and once again Johnny cameto her rescue by giving her a jab."Jesus Christ," shouted Mary; and the nun was again very pleased. Mary fell asleep again.
The Nun asked her a third question. "What did Eve say toAdam after she had had her 23rd baby?" Again Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted –"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it half!"The Nun fainted.
CIA woman
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
Lebanese are Lebanese
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Lebanese up here in heaven that are causing problems.
They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana instead of their white robes, they're riding BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices!!!!
They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep stopping midway - playing cards and smoking argili. Some of them are walking around with just one wing!"
The Lord said, "Lebanese are Lebanese. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil"The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."
The Devil returned to the phone, "OK I'm back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel replied, "I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there in hell?"
The Devil said, "Man I don't believe this.......Hold on."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Lebanese have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!!
The Lord said, "Lebanese are Lebanese. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil"The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."
The Devil returned to the phone, "OK I'm back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel replied, "I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there in hell?"
The Devil said, "Man I don't believe this.......Hold on."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Lebanese have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!!
A Mafia Godfather
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. Hisbookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that hemight have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confrontthe bookkeeper about his missing 10 million, he brings alonghis attorney, who knows sign language.The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that hemight have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confrontthe bookkeeper about his missing 10 million, he brings alonghis attorney, who knows sign language.The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.
"The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"The attorney signs to the bookkeeper:
"He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Parking space
Patrick was driving down the street in a sweat because he was late for an important meeting and he couldn’t find a parking space.
He looked up to heaven and said, “Lord, if you find me a place to park, I promise to be really good - “I’ll even give up drinking!”
Suddenly he saw a parking space ahead.
He looked up to heaven again and said, “Never mind. I’ve just found one.”
Honest wife
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place.
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
(The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks."
(The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
(The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks."
(The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."
A driver!
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Townsville.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!"
Eleven dollars..
While a Scot is pissing, a sterling falls into the toilet.
Desperately, he looks at the sterling and asks himself whether a sterling is worth getting his hands dirty.
After thinking for a while, he takes 10 sterlings out of his pocket and throws them into the toilet.
-Well, it's worth getting your hands dirty for eleven dollars!
Rabbits and bears..
It's hot summer, ninety degrees. A rabbit sits under the shadow of a tree and sharpens a stick with a knife.
A wolf passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill a bear.
- ???
A vixen passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill a bear.
- ???
The bear passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick and bullshiting.
Black and white!
A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe.
His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.
Me too..
In a restaurant, a man ordered soup but, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the bathroom.
To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin:
To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin:
"I SPIT IN THE SOUP".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin:
"ME, TOO".
Why do you ask?
Two friends:
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?
Chasing elephants!
A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee.
From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window.
From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window.
A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I’m chasing away the elephants
-Chasing elephants? There aren’t elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!
Man and woman
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
**
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
**
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
**
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
**
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
**
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry there are no services today.
**
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
**
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
Woman: Hiding from you.
**
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
**
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
**
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
**
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
**
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry there are no services today.
**
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
**
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
He and She!
HE. " can I buy you a drink? "
SHE. " Actually I'd rather have the money "
**
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
**
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!
**
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
**
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
**
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
**
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
**
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
**
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
**
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
**
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
SHE. " Actually I'd rather have the money "
**
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
**
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!
**
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
**
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
**
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
**
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
**
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
**
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
**
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
**
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
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