Never Lie To A Woman...

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up?"
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish??

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, " I did. They're in your fishing box?..."?

Gynaecologist..

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good- byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,
- "Why are you laughing, Mister?"
- "I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynaecologist"...

Mateship!

Mateship between Women
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
Mateship between Men
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a mate's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

Little Johnny Strikes Again

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence .

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my grandad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating'.

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated'.

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate'.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him ..

Johnny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her titsare so big she can only fasten eight'.

The teacher sat down and cried...

Competition

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT ... THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

-1-

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

-2-

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

-3-

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

-4-

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.

-5-

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,

The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

-6-

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you are not.

-7-

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

-8-

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

-9-

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

-10-

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime

**

Get him, Spike!

Jen's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike, he's noisy but he won't actually bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Jen's flat the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching him go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

One wish only!

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can bedone. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the (......) map again."

This is Mujibar!

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes, 'green, green, green, green' and I pinkit up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar."

The best little Johnny joke to date

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,
'coz he'd be f........d if he needed glasses'.

Ticket Please !!!

Three Aussies and three Kiwis are travelling by train to a Soccer World Cup match in Germany. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' Asks one of the Kiwis.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the Aussies.

They all board the train.

The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket please.'

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed Kiwi.

'Watch and learn,' answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, 'Ticket please.'

Unfaithful husband

Wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love with a beautiful, sexy young lady!
- "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"
- Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"
The husband begins to tell his story . . .
- While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.

With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story . . . . .
"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:
- "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

Catholic math

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said,
"Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

MY FRIEND GAVE BIRTH AT 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. 'May I see the new baby?' I asked 'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

The BOSS

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day he brought a sign that read, "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

The axe in his hand!

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
**
Teacher : " Can any body give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
**
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Frog and golf

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron..' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?' the man asks. 'Ribbit 3 wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas.
' They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.' Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit Kiss Me.'
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

'And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'