What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'
Harry : '9.'
Principal : 'What is 6 x 6 ?'
Harry : '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !
Harry replied : 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'
Harry : 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'
Harry : ' Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks : 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?'
Harry : 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an ' F ' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?'
Harry : 'Fire truck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ' Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Tea..... chers

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
**
-Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
**
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
**
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
**
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Pretty ugly!

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
**
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
**
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of theother.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes outof the mouth.
**
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
**-
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

Boys and Girls

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
**
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
**
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
**
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.
**
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
**
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
**
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
**

God is in joking mood

A man was praying to god.
He said, " God ?"
God responded, "Yes ?"
And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, " God can I have a penny ?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!....... just a second ."

The Century of 'LESS'

It is true.. in the 21st Century:
Our communication – wireless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our Ladies - Topless
Our food - Fatless
Our labor - Effortless
Our conduct -worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss – Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Less and less

Taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a Little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back.

"Your idiot brother won't let me in without a tie."

I think you're the father of one of my kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices anattractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???
"She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's school teacher."

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

Where is God?

Two boys were always getting into strife.
The boys’ mother heard that the new school principal was strong on discipline, so she asked him to speak with her boys.The principal agreed and asked to see them individually. He planned to remind the boys that whatever they did, God was watching them.The first boy came in and the principal asked him in a booming voice, “Where is God?”
The boy made no response.
The principal asked him again, “Where is God?” but again the boy gave no answer.
Finally the principal shook his finger at the boy and thundered, “Where is God?” the boy jumped up and raced out of the room. He ran to his brother who was waiting in the corridor and said, “We’re really in trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!”

True love

At the church's marriage seminar for husbands, the Priest asked Mario on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Mario replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a thing is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 30th-a anniversary!

"The Priest immediately commented, "Mario, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.."

Mario proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a visit her."

SICK LEAVE

I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allowme to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home andrecuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss askedher"...And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Be Jesus!

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

For women.. ONLY

Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.
**
Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...
**
Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them
forever.
**
Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one
would hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????
**
Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
**
Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.
**
Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Answer: i) no mind ii) no business
**
Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Answer:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.
**
Question: What is the difference between men and pigs?
Answer: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
**
Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
intention of driving.
**
Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Answer: Exchange him!!
**
Question: Why do men like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.
**
Pass this on to some women who need a laugh, and to men who can handle it!

Happy birthday mate!

'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
'Hey, Wazz, did the cops come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop up your firewood for ya?'
'Yep.'
'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate!!!.'

When you win the Lotto

A Lebanese man wins Lotto and wanting to spend his money wisely, he decides to buy the house next door to Kerry Packer's.
He knocks it down and builds an exact copy of the Packer residence.
Annoyed, Kerry Packer sarcastically says to the Lebanese man "Nice house you got there" and the Lebanese man replies "It's just like yours but worth a lot more."
Puzzled, Kerry Packer asks "How do you work that one out?"
The Lebanese man replies "when we go to sell, I can tell the prospective buyers that they will be living next door to the Packer's, whereas you gotta tell them they'll be living next to Lebs!!"

The Cabbie

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.' When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.' I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and

#2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm a jew.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Dave and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

kids in school think quick

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!
**
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, 'School Ahead, Go Slow.
**
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
**
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L'
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
**
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
**
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that wedidn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
**
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
**
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE : All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
**
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.'
**
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherrytree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?'
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
**
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
**
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
**
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

I want to kill my husband..

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.

"The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

"The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.

"The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!

"The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Computer

Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
( THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3 They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure..

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant..

In India they didn't know what ' honest ' meant..

In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant..

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant..

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant..

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant..

And in the USA they didn't know what ' the rest of the world meant!!!

The Deaf Wife

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.
'That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. '
Honey, what's for dinner?''Ralph, for the FIFTH time. . . . . . . . . it's CHICKEN !!!'

Grandma in Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded,
"Why, yes, I do know you , Mr.Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair "

7 reasons not to mess with children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically imp possible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
**

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
**

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
**

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, mum?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that little girls do something wrong and make their mothers cry or unhappy, one of their hairs turns white.

"The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
**

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher, she's dead."
**

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "
Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
**

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookiesA child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Government Tendering 101

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House.

They go with a Government House official to examine the fence.

The Aussie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Vietnamese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Lebanese contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Government House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Leb whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the Viet to fix the fence." "Done!", replies the government official.